Yes, hello. Welcome to the second installment of ReviewJunk, a segment in which I dig up strange, biting, and funny online reviews from around the internet.
This week, we’re featuring another Boise business, a restaurant with BAD SERVICE, a buffet that has nothing good to offer at all, one very thin product, and a timepiece that seems to stare into the consumer’s very soul.
Needless to say, finding these reviews was a very exciting waste of time and I’m more than thrilled to share them with you.
File the next five to seven minutes of your life under: valuable reputation management research.
1. Then They Walk Away
Megs is passionate about her salmon pizza. She also refutes many other customer complaints on eccentrically-named Boise restaurant Pizzalchik’s Yelp page. I can vouch for her– the setup is somewhat awkward, and the food is good. During my visits, the employees were friendly and funny.
Megs is clearly focused on the food, though, and couldn’t care less if her server is snooty. After all, what does someone’s opinion of themselves matter when you have salmon pizza (I am the only person in the Pacific Northwest to whom this dish does not appeal, btw) to occupy your senses.
Megs, I wish you reviewed everything.
2. CAPS LOCK
ok sonya i will restore balance to the universe. i will not resort to shouting. let’s use our inside voices.
do you know kristie and sarah personally? did you go to highschool with them, perhaps? are we in a heathers or mean girls type of scenario? because i really like both of those movies.
in reality, you probably just read their nametags, wrote their names on a napkin, came home, turned on the caps lock, and went to town.
either way, please stop shouting. i also think you should reconcile with kristie and sarah. everyone deserves a second chance.
if i am off-base and you actually held the shift key down the entire time you typed your review instead of using the caps lock– nevermind. i admire your work ethic, look up to you immensely, and am forever in your debt. using the shift key shows utter commitment to all-caps reviews.
3. Not Going Back
Whoa. Does B.G. stand for “burned good?” I think someone needs some salve and aloe vera, and it’s that Chinese Buffet you straight-up fireballed. BURN.
Also, inform the factory– their fortune cookies are TERRIBLE. They probably don’t even have real fortunes in them. Just cliche phrases, advice, and nice compliments that get me through the rest of the day.
Yes, fortune cookie. My friends do love me because of my easy sense of humor and grace under pressure. Thank you for noticing.
4. A Single Sheet
This is the product page. Note the price and the shipping cost. Steal of the century, right?
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Jeff K and Texas Gal are both on the same page (see what I did there?). Where they differ, though, is their desire for quantity. While Jeff K is Mr. Moneybags, Texas Gal isn’t sure how many single white pieces of paper she can afford at this time.
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This is clearly the best piece of paper. Case closed.
If you ever need a quick pick-me-up and you don’t have a fortune cookie handy, I recommend reading the rest of the reviews on Amazon.
5. Time is an Abstract Concept, but This Clock is Not
Before I found this product page, I wasn’t sure who Pam St. Clement was. Apparently she is a beloved British actor who served on the show EastEnders from 1986 to 2012. If anyone deserves her own clock, it’s Pam. She seems lovely.
If you want to read the greatest Wikipedia novel ever written, I suggest you read the page on her character, Pat Butcher.
Let’s see how people feel about this clock.
I, uhhh… surely not everyone who bought this clock is experiencing a classic Victorian novel, right?
We’re seeing some mixed reviews here.
I think I’ll stick with my Garfield clock.
Oh god. Maybe not.
I can’t do this anymore. I’ll see you next week.
Question: What’s a fair shipping price for a single white sheet of paper? Tell us in the comments.