ReviewJunk: The Funniest and Weirdest Reviews From Around the Web #1

January 8 , 2016 by in Shenanigans
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ReviewJunk: Weirdest Reviews from Around the Web

Welcome to the first installment of ReviewJunk, aka RevenueJump’s weekly excuse to have a little too much fun. Each Friday, we’ll bring you a smattering of funny, brutally honest, and otherwise notable online reviews from around the web. So, in other words, the weirdest reviews.

For our inaugural venture into the world of funny reviews, I thought I’d start with a few places in Boise. Online reviews aren’t as big here as they are in other cities, but we still get some gems.

If you want to contribute funny or weird reviews, please email me here. I’ll give you credit and possibly even send you half of a melted candy bar in the mail.

1. A Touring Musician Reviews a Music Venue

 

 

Funny online reviews

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Review911Full disclosure: Neurolux is my favorite music venue in Boise. I love playing there and I love seeing bands there. It’s one of my favorite bars, too. It’s an all-around great place. And yeah, if you’re a musician and you play there, they give you plenty of drink tickets. It’s pretty righteous.

Alex S. is right about the curfew. It often cuts good shows short. Some fancypants person in a condo they paid for thinks sleep is more important than rock n’ roll. It’s a black mark upon this fragile thing we refer to as “human society.” When historians look upon our era, that will be the most damning thing about our culture. Will they forgive us?

(not likely)

If you hate music, buy a condo across from a Dress Barn or something, Mr. Lawyer. Who will be our Kevin Bacon? Who will fight for our right to party? I can’t do it. I’m too busy taking screenshots of Yelp reviews.

2. Not Your Kinda Place

 

funny online reviews

Was I the butt-rock guy who followed you into the Ranch Club, Mr. F? I saw a lot of shows at the Visual Arts Collective around the time this was posted. I mean, I’m not a “butt-rock” guy. I don’t own a single Def Leppard t-shirt and I’ve never been inside a Trans Am. But I can see how you’d make that mistake.

Personally, I find the Ranch Club charming. I enjoy my time there. You weren’t charmed, though, David F.– and I’m glad you were able to make your daring escape. Now you can continue living a cowboy-free existence in Southwest Idaho.

Hah. Right.

3. Tell Us How You Really Feel

harsh online review
The restaurant mentioned in Mr. Knapstad’s review is very close to our office. His review does not surprise me, based on prior experience. Steven is keeping it real, which we can all appreciate– he’s just not keeping it as real as the health inspectors inevitably will be.

4. Going Meta

Funny online reviews

Okay, now we’re leaving Boise behind and going national.

I personally enjoy Vice’s monthly list of best and worst albums (warning: profanity). This review from November’s edition definitely caught my attention. I haven’t listened to the new Icarus Line record, but I admit to enjoying their older work. They were a gutsy rock band, and they even had a fight with Stevie Ray Vaughan’s guitar.

I guess Vice’s reviewer isn’t so fond of their newer stuff. In a sort of meta masterpiece, they use a Yelp review for a discount tire shop to review the latest offering from The Icarus Line.

This pleases me.

5. Gerbils?

Funny online reviews

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So far I’ve only ordered four “Asia Old Man Peel and Stick Wall Decals” because I’m just not as committed to gerbils as William Haga is. Honestly, William, I’m just not on your level. I don’t think I can hang.

6. Classic

Funny online reviews

With the release of a new Star Wars film, this seems timely, even though it is a classic (thanks to Amazon for making this gem easy to find).

Question: How many Star Wars-themed items of clothing do you own? Have you reviewed any of them? Do you want to? What’s stopping you? What am I doing with my life? Let us know in the comments.

 

About Dustin Verburg

Dustin Verburg is a writer, journalist, and musician who writes for several web and print publications. During most of his waking hours, he produces content for ReviewJump. Dustin lives with his guitars, comic books, and collectable Star Trek plates in Boise, ID.

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