Review Junk #4: Funny Reviews; Asinine Commentary on Funny Reviews

January 29 , 2016 by in Shenanigans
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funny reviews

Welcome to Advanced ReviewJunk: Fourth Edition. In this prestigious column, I address the serious issue of funny reviews. I also review these funny reviews because I don’t know how to leave well enough alone.

Since none of my coworkers have been brave enough to stop me from posting this weekly series, you’re stuck with yet another ReviewJunk. It’s been a full month now, and I can’t see the well drying up anytime soon. If you see funny reviews, please pass them my way. I will send you a prize.

It will not be a good prize, but it will be a prize. Technically.

This week, we’ll explore the dynamic world of natural foods and vegan restaurants. We’ll also pull up our sleeves for the tattoo industry, cozy ourselves up on a confectionary mattress, and read what the world’s best film critics have to offer.

1. I Swear on the Pharaoh’s Left Hand

funny whole foods reviews

Credit for inspiring me to find this review goes to my friend and co-worker Hall. He nonchalantly told me “Whole Foods has to have some funny reviews.”

And he was right.

Steven obviously knows what he likes about Whole Foods, and it’s not just the plants. Though he is shaming people who don’t like hot sauce (hiiii, Matt), he does offer up a good burrito recipe. I don’t see anyone else here telling me how to make my burrito at Whole Foods, so I’m going with Steven on this one.

But there’s one part of the review that particularly intrigues me:

the pharaoh's left hand

I don’t know, Steven. Maybe I’ll just stick to the alcohol, the alcohol, the alcohol, and the bar. The 90s documentary series Mummies Alive tells me that Pharaohs are maybe a little too intense for me.

I can hang with the hot salsa, though.

2. What’s with all the Flutes?

funny vegetarian restaurant review

Before I get to this review, I’m going to have to stand up for Shangri-La Tea Room and Cafe. It IS a hippie joint for sure, but the food is amazing, the tea is good, and the staff is excellent. If you’re ever in Boise with someone (including yourself) who leans vegetarian, this is the best spot for you.

Donovan still made me laugh, though. Shangri-La does feature tarot readings, basic tables, and more flutes than you can shake a clarinet at. He is totally spot on.

I’ve never been brave enough to get the massage or the rune reading, though. Which is a personal issue I need to fix on my own. I need to explore my own doubts and insecurities, emerge a stronger person, and go get a massage in a vegan restaurant/tea room while the other patrons watch the entire awkward exchange.

I can do this. I believe in myself.

Review911

3. OMG, Where is Tom?!

funny tattoo shop review

Please reply.

i need an adult
4. Name That Movie

funny amazon review

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We’re going to play a game now. Personally, I don’t like games. Too many rules. I have it on good authority, though, that plenty of other people like games.

funny amazon review

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What is the big-time Hollywood movie both of these reviews are talking about?

Take a guess. No cheating. No Google searches. No IMDBing.

 

 

 

Okay. Ready? It’s Disney’s family comedy Blank Check, a shining example of the Hong Kong action genre.

Honor system. If you guessed correctly, tell me in the comments and I will send you a prize. A better prize than the one I mentioned in the intro to this post.

5. The Sweetest Mattress of All

mattress

I like memory foam. I like green tea. I would possibly enjoy this mattress. There’s a good chance, though, that I might not enjoy it as much as one of its reviewers.

funny amazon review

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As it turns out, you can buy love. Go climb a tree, Beatles.

Question: No question. Just send me a funny review or tell me you guessed the movie correctly. I will send you a prize. No, seriously.

 

About Dustin Verburg

Dustin Verburg is a writer, journalist, and musician who writes for several web and print publications. During most of his waking hours, he produces content for ReviewJump. Dustin lives with his guitars, comic books, and collectable Star Trek plates in Boise, ID.

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