ReviewJunk #3: Funny Reviews of Products, Fabulous Wastes of Time

January 22 , 2016 by in Website
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trash cat


Greetings, earthlings. By some strange miracle of coincidence, you’re reading the third entry in our ReviewJunk series.

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For those of you who missed our previous episodes, here’s a summary:

  • screenshots of reviews
  • from the internet
  • which are funny or weird
  • to the author of this article, at the very least

Pets. Funny reviews of products. Viral marketing. Synergy. Other keywords and buzzwords we haven’t even invented yet, such as kuzzwords, a combination of buzzwords and keywords. You’re welcome, 2016 marketing influencers.

I have no doubt, by now, fulfilled my solemn duty as an internet hype man. I can only assume you’re chomping at the bit to see these hilarious reviews I plumbed from the sewer system known as the internet. So many screenshots.

command + shift + 3

I see those words when I close my eyes at night and try to replicate the state of being that humans call “sleep.”

So many screenshots.

1. 50 Goldfish

funny reviews of products

Little do you know, Jamie P, that robots actually make the best store employees. When was the last time a robot actually refused to give you 50 plastic bags? I’m betting it was a long time ago, if it even happened at all.

Some older models were created without the fine-tuned plastic bag algorithm so many modern robots enjoy. Granted, you might encounter the Sustainability Protocol in modern robots, which prevents them from handing out 50 plastic bags, as well. Those hippie robots are generally not employed in big box pet stores, though, so I doubt that was the case, either.

Even though you have slighted our soon-to-be robot overlords, I still wish you and your 50 goldfish peace and good tidings. Namaste, fishes.

Namaste, fishes!

2. A Lot of Things

funny reviews of products

I have never visited this fine establishment, but there’s a good chance that Jason is 100% correct.

If you already have a lot of things for pets, how do you earn that final star?

Here’s a hint, business owners: hire a few robots. They might not give out as many plastic bags as you’d like, but they’ll pour on the charm.

And possibly the death rays. It’s a tossup.


3. Be Somebody

funny reviews of products
Brandon is reviewing a bowling alley. I have been to this bowling alley, but I have never bowled there. I used to live just down the road from this bowling alley, and I would often go there to eat a grilled tuna sandwich before work. The staff is lovely, and no one would bat an eye if anyone were to sit alone and drink a gin and tonic there at 11:30am. Hypothetically, of course.

Brandon’s review is spot on. Not only does he enjoy this bowling alley, as he should, but he also knows the three important things to go on every refrigerator:

  • wedding invitations from 2-3 years ago
  • takeout menus from restaurants you never patronize
  • bowling scores

If you took nothing else away from this review, I want you to follow Brandon’s advice– live your life; be somebody (or be somebody’s fool).

4. Party Hats

funny reviews of products

Have you ever tried to draw a design with icing? Maybe you want to draw a heart on a sugar cookie, or draw Burt Reynolds from Smokey and the Bandit on a day old sheet cake you bought from the grocery store. My point is, it never works out. Drawing things with icing is very difficult.

Naturally, you might find an alternative use for this product.

funny reviews of productsclick for larger image

Well, that didn’t work out either. So awkward.

If you want to gamble with your dignity or your hamster’s dignity, here’s a link to the product.

5. Warning Label

funny reviews of products

Here’s what I’m wondering: If you have a jug of milk shipped to your home, in a box from Amazon, and it gets knocked around despite the bubble wrap, and breaks– if you drink the milk that spilled into the box, does it still turn into urine?

I looked through relevant articles on Google Scholar and could not find a definitive answer. Looks like science failed us again. Typical science.

If you’re brave enough, here’s the product page.


Until next time, I’ll leave you with kuzzwords.

Question: I told the Yoast SEO plugin my keyword for this post was “funny reviews of products,” so this is me fitting it in one more time. How did I do?


About Dustin Verburg

Dustin Verburg is a writer, journalist, and musician who writes for several web and print publications. During most of his waking hours, he produces content for ReviewJump. Dustin lives with his guitars, comic books, and collectable Star Trek plates in Boise, ID.

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