ReviewJunk #5: Moderately Enjoyable Reviews

February 5 , 2016 by in Shenanigans
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a bunch of garbage

Hello, welcome to the fifth episode of ReviewJunk. I’m your host, a person who writes things on the internet. Like most of my peers, I am indistinguishable from any other person who writes things on the internet.

“I miss that Dan Rather. He was such a nice man,” our parents tell us. “Now anyone can write anything and plop it down on a webpage and call it a blog!”

Well, our parents are only half-right. It’s not just a blog, it’s art. I went to school for six long years to take these screenshots and fill up a minimum word count for SEO purposes. I bet Dan Rather never wrote a meta description in his life.

He’s not an artist. You just don’t understand people who write things on the internet. We’re artists.

I miss Dan Rather, too, though. I agree with our parents on that particular point.

Anyway, let’s discuss some moderately enjoyable reviews.

1. He Understands

enjoyable reviews

As you may or may not know, all of Idaho’s liquor stores are state-owned. They are all the same. You won’t find anything colorful, weird, shady, or frightening at an Idaho liquor store.

That’s why I was surprised when I found a review of an Idaho liquor store. I was prepared to roll my eyes super hard. Like Krysten Ritter hard.

the lady who plays jessica jones rolling her eyes super hard

But I didn’t, because Kyle just understands. He knows what to expect, his expectations are met, and he leaves an appropriate review.

This time, everything just fell into place. Thanks for everything, Kyle C!

2. The Stare-Down

enjoyable reviews

This Yelper understands that he is good looking. After some soul searching and four shots of espresso, he decided the creative, urban youngsters in the coffee shop weren’t out to intimidate him. They were only there to help.

I felt the same way when I went to an Urban Outfitters. I’ve only ever been to one, and it was to see a friend’s band play. I didn’t know where it was, but I decided I’d just “Follow the youths with the little backpacks” and they led me right to it!

Long story short: I thought everyone was judging me at first, but then I got hit in the face with a hacky sack while a drone metal band played in front of a wall of reproduction Blondie and Joy Division t-shirts.

Actually, maybe I didn’t come to my senses like this Yelper did. And I definitely didn’t come to my fashion senses, otherwise I’d visit Urban Outfitters way more often.

I bought my last pair of jeans at Fred Meyer.

Review911

3. A Dead Bee 🙁

enjoyable reviews

At least it wasn’t a live bee, Jessica. But I think I know why the bee was dead. I’m a real Jessica Fletcher type (another reason why I miss Dan Rather, clearly). In a way, we’re both Jessicas. I’m just the cool detective kind you’re the kind who almost eats a bee.

Anyway. Onto the detective work.

You see, the bee got separated from the hive. The hive was mistakenly built on the back of a Honda Civic, which drove away from the shaved ice shack when its owners remembered they didn’t live at the shaved ice shack. They had other places to be, which is sometimes hard to remember when you’re at a shaved ice shack.

Anyway, this lone bee was left without a home. Since bees (much like raccoons, bears, and my friend’s dog Bernadette) love trash, it found the dirtiest cup in the wastebasket. It lived its whole life in the comfort of that cozy cottage. To us, the bee’s life was a mere six hours. To the bee, it was a lifetime.

They served you shaved ice in that bee’s home. That cup was the bee’s biggest investment.

You’re the one eating shaved ice out of a bee house, Jessica. Maybe you should look in the mirror before you start handing out one star reviews.

A live bee, though. That would have been pretty bad.

4. Completely Satisfied

enjoyable reviews

Seems reasonable.

enjoyable reviews

click for larger image

Another satisfied customer! You can find the rest of the reviews here.

5. Poet Laureate

andy daly's book

This seems like a very good book. Let’s see what people have to say about it.

enjoyable reviews

I… I’m not a Frankenstein, am I? I mean, I don’t remember my early childhood. I could be! Oh no.

This is distressing. I’ll shake these thoughts off while we look at some more reviews.

enjoyable reviews

Well, if the city slickers hate it, then I love it. If you want to read more about the book’s illustrious author, Dalton Wilcox, you can do so here.

Meanwhile, I’ll be reading the entirety of You Must Buy Your Wife At Least As Much Jewelry As You Buy Your Horse and Other Poems and Observations Humorous and Otherwise from the Life on the Range to find out if I really am a Frankenstein.

I’m sure I’ll know by the amount of stars I give the book. I will contribute to the world of moderately enjoyable reviews, whether I am a Frankenstein or not. This is my pledge to you, dear reader.

Additional Reading: That Time Sondre Lerche Visited the Boise Co-Op

For real. Sondre Lerche and his tourmates visited the Boise Co-Op and left a review. I did not ever expect to see such a thing.

Celebrities, they’re just like us! They leave really long Yelp reviews about meatballs and lemon cookies.

This is the current state of humanity.

Here’s a good Sondre Lerche jam for the weekend. Thanks for reading!

Question: Am I a Frankenstein? Or am I just a person who writes things for the internet? Let us know in the comments!

 

About Dustin Verburg

Dustin Verburg is a writer, journalist, and musician who writes for several web and print publications. During most of his waking hours, he produces content for ReviewJump. Dustin lives with his guitars, comic books, and collectable Star Trek plates in Boise, ID.

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